pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
