Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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