We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
