I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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