I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
