I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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