I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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