And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
