Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
