So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
jump out the window naked night went bad
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
