I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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