It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
