My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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