GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
