When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
