I will die if light touches me.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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