I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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