Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
