Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
