Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize