Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
