I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
