No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
