How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
