oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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