I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
