My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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