I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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