I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize