Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's the barista slut.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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