So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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