I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
