Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
