Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
