It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
