Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize