you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
