Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
