Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
