Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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