Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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