I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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