upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
