it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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