new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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