You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
