This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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