I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize