I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
