i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
