wat bout pragnant strippers??
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
