Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
