hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I puked a lego.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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