ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize
