you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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