Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
