The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
