my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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