this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
