i jhust puked up my retainher.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
