All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
