its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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