your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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