Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it's like heaven, but drunker
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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