some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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