so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
