worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
