Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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